My Dearest Jack,
I’ve carried you around for nine months now and to be truthful, I haven’t fully appreciated or enjoyed being pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I love the miracle that you are, feeling your kicks, knowing you are safe with me and anticipating the day I get to see your face. But pregnancy is not easy. It’s difficult to accept the changes that a woman’s body endures over nine months. I’ve been insecure and self-conscious about my body for a few years now, so gaining even more weight and not fitting into clothes hasn’t been an easy ride for me. Aside from the physical changes seen from the outside, there are many changes happening on the inside that proved to be rather challenging at times, too. Weird pains, soreness, cramps, a pulled muscle to name a few. Not to mention raging hormones, emotional meltdowns and unexplained tears. Luckily, I’ve been beyond blessed and have truly had an incredibly easy pregnancy. I can’t imagine dealing with morning sickness, food aversions, heartburn, or any of the other much more difficult pregnancy symptoms.
You’re a boy, so you won’t quite understand any of this which will make it hard for you to appreciate it. It probably won’t fully sink in until your future wife is pregnant with your first child. And that’s ok. I don’t need you to understand that right now. I want you to understand how much I love the fact that I created you and that my body allowed me to carry you for nine months.
Throughout my pregnancy people have asked if I like being pregnant. Actually, the question usually goes something like this, “Don’t you just loooove being pregnant?” It’s usually said in an upbeat voice anticipating my agreeance and usually met with confusion and disappointment when I bluntly respond, “No. I hate being pregnant.”
When I respond with that answer, I’m thinking more about the physical part of pregnancy. Now that I’m 2.5 weeks away from my due date, I’m realizing that there are some things about pregnancy that I love and will miss.
I love that you’re so close to me – the closest you’ll ever be. I get sad thinking about you growing up so fast and gaining more and more independence each day. I want you to always need me, but know that if I teach you the right things, you’ll grow into an amazing person.
I love that I can feel your kicks and movements. This will indeed be the only time I enjoy being kicked by you. I love that when I feel you move, I am reminded that I created you. I’m so blown away by that thought.
I love that I can always show you how much I love you. My hands are constantly resting on my belly. In meetings, I find myself rubbing my belly. When you move, I tap my belly so you know I’m there. And there’s no better feeling than when you respond to my belly pokes! It’s a language only understood by you and me.
I love being able to hear your heartbeat. I look forward to every OB appointment just to hear that thud, thud, thud on the fetal Doppler. Every single time it sends chills up and down my body because I am reminded that there is life growing inside me. I’m growing a tiny human being – YOU – who will very soon change my life more than you’ve done already!
I love that you are going to make me a mommy. I never truly had a maternal instinct. I’ve always been a little more selfish and wanted to focus on me and my career. I thought success was defined by a paycheck and a job title. You’ve taught me that success can be defined in different ways. I’ve never felt prouder of myself than I have carrying you around for the past nine months. I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel when I look into your eyes for the first time or hear you say please and thank you and hug your grandparents.
I love that you are going to be here so soon. Mommy and Daddy are so ready to meet you. For nine months, we’ve fantasized about your eye color, shape of your nose, color of your hair, sound of your voice, sense of humor, your first words, the respectful little boy you will grow up to be… the list goes on.
I love that you have been the most important person to me since the day I found out I was pregnant with you. That will never change now. You have forever changed my priorities, my life, my needs, wants and desires and for that I am forever grateful. You’ve already shown me how powerful a mother/son bond is and I can’t wait for it to continue when you’re here with us. I pray every day that I’ll be a good mommy to you; that you’ll always know how loved and important you are. I can’t wait to see how much you look and act like daddy – and I hope you know that’s always a good thing – because he is such a special and wonderful man. I hope you are never afraid to come to me and daddy with questions or help with anything because we will forever be a team. I can’t wait for you to see the bond that mommy and daddy have and know that you’ve made us stronger than we’ve ever been. We want nothing more than to make you proud and give you everything you need to develop into a healthy, loving, respectful and strong person.
Photo credit: Danielle Lyn Art Photography
We will always be your number one supporters. We will love you no matter what mistakes you make. We will guide you through moments of weakness. We will support your dreams and ambitions. We will cherish your company no matter how independent you get. We will treasure each memory we make as a family. We will admire your triumphs and commend your defeats. We will be confident in your decisions. We will always be here for you no matter what, why, where, when, or how. We will do everything in our power to give you the life you deserve. We love you, forever and ever.
My Jack Thomas, I can’t wait to meet you. I hope you love me as much as I love you.
XO baby boy.